I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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