What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
