they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
