my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
