i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
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STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
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So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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