i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i think i have two assholes
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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