Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
