I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When did angry sex become our thing?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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