I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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