i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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