Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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