she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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