Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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