just come out here and I will go home with you...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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