Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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