i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
