I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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