We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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