hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
