even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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