It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
