My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
