i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
