i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
