At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
