Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
