the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
