I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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