dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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