My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
