His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
