Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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