im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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