The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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