In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
