I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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