We named our party play list daddy issues
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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