I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
