my phone needs a breathalizer
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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