I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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