So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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