Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
