I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
