So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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