I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
