I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
