oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
