I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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