My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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