She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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