she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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