It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
