Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
