You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
