and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
