She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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