I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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