Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
