he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
